Mad Sad Afraid and Mad again

Originally posted February 22, 2022 on my WordPress.

Of all the things I could be feeling after Christina Yuen Lee’s death, I feel angry and disappointed at cis het Asian men. Of course I also feel sad and scared. Of course I also feel exposed and ashamed. And it’s not that I expected any of my Asian male friends to check in on me. Because I didn’t. And it’s not that I needed any of them to check in on me. I don’t. But maybe that’s part of my point. Why don’t I expect them to check in on me? Because I know for certain they do not know and have not thought about how Christina’s murder impacts me.

They don’t know that her killing is my worst fear come to life. It could have been me. It could have been me. It could have been me.

Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Aubrey, George Floyd, Elijah McClain, their deaths affected me too. I felt them. But I also was intentional about how I related to their deaths. I had to imagine what it was like to be a Black person in the u.s. I had to imagine if I lived in this world feeling watched all the time, feeling like I had to make myself small to not cause anyone to be afraid of me. And I did. And when I did, I felt their deaths deeply.

But with Christina. I just know. I can imagine screaming for my life. I’ve never experienced it. But I know. And unlike with the countless Black lives that I have tried to feel, I don’t want to feel this one. It’s too real. Feeling the extent of her murder would engulf me. I don’t know that I’d leave the house. Or leave my bed.

These days I can feel myself forcing myself to keep doing daily tasks of life. It feels forced. All I want to do is let the weight of my sadness cradle me, swaddle me, swallow me up. I want to melt into the floor. I want to disappear. That way I know the world can’t hurt me.

So, you see, I know that cis het Asian men in my life do not know what it feels like. I’m so angry at their patriarchy. At their blind “not all men are trash” defenses. I’m mad that they have no way of protecting me. And mad that it doesn’t even seem like they want to.

And I know I don’t fucking need to be protected by a man. Any man. I have women of color, black women, trans, and non-binary friends, who are ready to protect me with their softness and their gentleness and their kindness and their ferocity.

But damn.

I am fighting against my urge to make excuses in the form of empathy for Asian men. No more excuses. No more damn excuses. Educate yourselves. Advocate for Asian women.

Speak the fuck up.

Because I’m tired and I’m terrified. And I’m done protecting you.